“My Elderly Parents Won’t Accept Help!” Broaching In-Home Care with Your Aging Parents

As a large segment of the US ages into their golden years, more adult children are having to learn how to care for an aging parent. Sometimes, elderly parents have care needs that surpass what a child can provide for them, but they are resistant to exploring other care options. It is common for aging parents to brush off in-home care, and most elderly individuals also would understandably prefer to stay in their own homes, so will not consider moving to an assisted living or full-time care facility.

Here, we discuss how to talk to elderly parents about accepting help from a professional caregiver to boost your chances of a productive conversation.

When to Intervene with Elderly Parents

It is sometimes ambiguous whether an aging parent has come to a point where professional care is necessary. Some signs their adult child might look for are:

• Increased difficulty or total inability to conduct the activities of daily living (ADLs) on their own
• Increased complexity of care for a medical condition, or increased risks associated with that condition
• Memory and cognitive issues, especially progressive ones
• Decreased ability to care for their home and complete chores like laundry, basic cleaning, and preparing meals
• Any of the above factors that may place them in greater danger of accidents in their home

Family caregivers are providing an average of 14-21 hours per week of care for their loved ones. This is not always feasible or sustainable, and though children may feel guilt for bringing in reinforcements, professional care options exist to provide trustworthy, trained care for individuals like their parents.

Understanding Elderly Parents Who Refuse Help

Elderly parents were once fully capable of doing the tasks that now present a struggle. The loss of this capability can be hard to accept both for the parent and their child. It is not uncommon for a parent to downplay or deny changes that have come with aging and the related loss of some abilities. The parent may be afraid of what is happening to them and have a hard time facing it.

There may also be wounded pride as the power dynamic shifts in the parent-child relationship; where once the parent appeared invincible and the child could depend on them, aging has rendered the parent more dependent. There is a role reversal that can feel uncomfortable, especially for a parent who has historically been self-reliant.

Parents may also lack understanding of the options available to them. Talk of professional care could conjure images of lonely, impersonal nursing homes or negative experiences they have had or have known to happen to others. They may not know their options for staying in their own home and retaining much of their independence and routine.

When an elderly parent refuses help, it’s useful and kind to drill down to exactly why. Their concerns can be addressed if their child takes the time to listen and encourage them.

How to Help Aging Parents Stay in Their Home

For elderly individuals to remain in their own home, modifications will have to be made to the status quo. For many, this means introducing a professional caregiver who can handle the increased demands of daily activities and monitor their health needs, such as daily medications.

Adult children can help by talking to their parents about the benefits of in-home care. Some ideas to prepare for this conversation:

1. Research care options for elderly parents.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution for all cases. Some families may need a caregiver to stop by every day and fully take over help with ADLs, while others might do well with a mix of caregiver visits, check-in calls, and respite care. Some elderly parents have more social needs than others, and some have more medical needs. Medical evaluations and legal resources (like power of attorney provisions) might be part of the care plan.

Adult children and other family caregivers can find guidance in books written exactly for the task of planning care, as well as speak with local agencies, clinics, senior centers, attorneys, and social workers. Prepare for this often-difficult conversation with your parents by having a range of good-fit, practical options.

2. Speak to your parents with positivity and empathy.

It is important to understand their doubts before trying to persuade your aging parent that in-home care is needed. If their barrier is related to loss of independence, show them that there are options that allow them to retain their routine and stay comfortable. If the resistance is about pride, assure them that they are no less strong in your eyes, and that accepting care does not change their status or value in the family.

3. Take their input.

Rather than dictate what they should do, listen to their concerns and desires related to care. Work with them to make a plan that ensures their safety and comfort while honoring their personal agency and dignity.

4. Ease in.

Start with small changes or additions to make the process easier. Keep track of what is working, and celebrate wins with them to highlight the improvements in their life.

5. Don’t do it alone.

Enlisting the help of other relatives, neighbors, and your parents’ friends can help increase their comfort with making these changes. Build their squad of cheerleaders and use their support to help normalize the changes.

How to Prepare for Aging Parents

There is often no easy way to start discussing your aging parents’ care. It is helpful to broach the subject early, long before they might need it, so they can begin to accept the idea that the day might come when they need help from a caregiver. Planning ahead can also boost their chances of staying in their own home as home modifications can be made and a geriatrician, occupational therapist, and other supportive professionals can be brought into the conversation.

For the adult child, preparation can look like reading books for family caregivers and finding support groups where those in a similar phase of life can provide mutual encouragement and advice. A self-care plan is also important to avoid burnout and compassion fatigue.

Introducing in-home care can be a difficult transition for the adult child as well as their parent, but with the right plan, it can improve both their quality of life and their relationship with their parents.

If your loved one needs home care, our VetAssist mission is to make home care easily and quickly accessible for those who qualify through the VA Pension with Aid and Attendance benefit. Veterans Home Care can help you determine whether you or your loved one will be eligible to receive the benefit, which can cover some or all of the cost of home care, and we make it easy to apply. Chat with us via our website, or call us at (888) 314-6075.