How to Deal with Caregiver Guilt
What is caregiver guilt? If you care for an elderly or disabled family member, you probably already know the anxiety of not doing enough and chronically ignoring fatigue or resentment. Many family caregivers feel it is a failure to ask for outside help from friends, family, or professionals. What will people assume? How will they judge us and our family?
Caregivers often fear judgment not only from others, but from themselves. In truth, we want to be superhuman, with a bottomless well of patience and endless supply of energy. However, it is not realistic to turn off our own needs. Part of the long-term caregiver experience is being honest about how very hard it is to do what is essentially a part- or even full-time job—without the training.
The Emotional Toll of Caregiving
When considering a loved one’s care needs, we might first think about the practical: doctor’s appointments, medication routines, and ADLs (activities of daily living) like bathing and eating meals. There are financial and legal considerations and many decisions to make about changes to your loved one’s lifestyle. (Read our full list of tips for new family caregivers here, and check out our list of caregiver book and podcast recommendations.)
What we may not consider is the emotional side of caregiving. For those caring for aging parents, the role reversal can be difficult on both sides; children grieve as they watch their parents lose independence, strength, and health, and parents struggle to allow their children to be the caregiver now. There can be a power struggle or a dip in the senior parent’s mental health as they lose autonomy and a sense of purpose.
Adult children take on a lot as caregivers to aging parents, but many of us were raised to expect it to be a natural part of our lives. As a result, when we are overstimulated and under-rested, we ignore it. We tell ourselves we owe it to our parents, and we must take on the entire responsibility ourselves. We fear we are not doing our duty to them if we delegate certain care responsibilities or take a break.
We also fear loss of control—what if we can’t trust someone else to do as good of a job as we would? If our parent gets worse, is it our fault?
This over-extending quickly leads to compassion fatigue and burnout, affecting our entire lives.
Managing Caregiver Guilt with Basic Prioritization
While letting go of caregiver guilt is easier said than done, this is a muscle that can be trained. The first hurdle is giving yourself permission to accept the guilt and then let it go. Accept that you will experience frustration and mixed emotions as a normal part of this difficult process. You do not have to pretend those feelings are not there.
It may help to journal or talk to your spouse or close friend—or even a therapist or support group—about these complicated feelings. Accept emotional support from those who are “in it” with you, like siblings, or from friends who have no connection to your family and will bear no emotional impact besides supporting you.
Beyond acceptance and emotional care, you can focus on some basic priorities and decisions to reduce your caregiving guilt and better balance the different areas of your life:
● Stop comparing. Do not compare your situation with those of others around you. You don’t know the details of their lives, and they do not know yours. Do what is best with what you have, in the moment. That is all anyone can do.
● Ask for help. This is one of the most important actions you can take to be an effective caregiver for your loved one. If you burn out, you are no use to anyone—not yourself, and not them. Prevent burnout by seeking professional services like respite care or home care, or by asking trusted friends or family members for some of their time and support.
● Know your limits. Related to asking for help, be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot do in light of your physical capacity, your schedule, and how close or far you live from your loved one. Be realistic about what is possible in a day and what you need to stay healthy and fully functioning.
● Focus on the big picture. Is your loved one safe and comfortable? Were their basic needs met today? Don’t get lost in “shoulds” and details. Think good over perfect.
● Schedule self-care. Self-care can mean daily walks, an hour to watch your favorite show uninterrupted, or brunch with friends. At minimum, it means adequate sleep, regular meals, and staying hydrated.
More American adults than ever before are caring for an elderly loved one an average of 14-21 hours per week. Trying to do this alone out of a sense of duty is a short road to burnout, which puts you and your loved one at risk. Don’t let feeling guilty as a caregiver keep you from drawing on outside resources for help; you and your loved one will both be better off for it.
If your loved one needs home care, our VetAssist mission is to make home care easily and quickly accessible for those who qualify through the VA Pension with Aid and Attendance benefit. Veterans Home Care can help you determine whether you or your loved one will be eligible to receive the benefit, which can cover some or all of the cost of home care, and we make it easy to apply. Chat with us via our website, or call us at (888) 314-6075.
