On Meaningful Connections with Aging Parents

The elders in our families carry a wealth of memories, traditions, and life experience. Besides love, our elder family members gift their children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, and other younger family members a sense of history—stories about where they came from and a perspective informed by a long life watching the world change.

It is unfortunate that so many of our elders live isolated lives. Whether due to aging-related challenges, their family relocating, or relatives’ busyness, ties can weaken over time. Our elder family members can feel lonely and forgotten, we lose tabs on their wellbeing, and we and our children miss out on their wisdom and company.

The good news is that it is possible to forge closer connections at any time. Here are some things to keep in mind for bonding with senior family members.

The Two-Way Share

Senior family members have lived through decades of changing music, fashion, and social norms. They were there for the historical events their grandchildren now learn about in school (and their parents now watch in documentaries). Most seniors have kept photo albums, favorite clothing, books, records, and treasured military mementos. Asking them to show and explain these can lead to meaningful conversations. Our elders feel seen and valued, and our younger family members open their eyes to a broader world.

In the other direction, children and especially grandchildren can teach their elders about how the world is right now. They can introduce them to their favorite current music and TV shows, teach them to access useful technology, and give them a window into what it’s like to be in school or at work in 2025. They might also find common ground in sports, crafts, and games, which tend to connect people across generations. Grandparents may be thrilled to learn that their artistic talent, love of baseball, flair for cooking, or spirit of community service has passed down to their younger family.

The bond between grandparents and grandchildren can be very enriching for both. Setting aside regular time for visits and phone calls can lead to valuable moments together. Another, underused way to share: send letters! It’s a mostly lost art that can forge a deep sense of connection.

The Milestone and the Mundane

Birthday parties and weddings are an easy way to connect with aging parents by including them in the festivities (and perhaps even the planning). Holidays all through the year are natural occasions to invite them to events or bring over a potluck lunch.

But what about all the small moments that make up regular life? These are also important connection points. If your elderly parent or grandparent uses a smartphone, consider sending them pictures of the sunrise you saw on the way to work or the deer that wandered into your yard. Call them just because and tell them about the funny and challenging parts of your day. Ask them about their day, and if you sense that they are feeling lonely or bored, help them come up with ideas to add some exercise, hobbies, or socializing to their week.

Staying in touch with aging parents on a regular basis helps us to notice sooner when they are not doing well with their physical or mental health. We can also learn about issues with home maintenance or home safety, helping us take action quickly.

Active Listening and Negotiating Differences

Some adult children and grandchildren struggle to relate to elderly family members because of differences in views or trouble bridging gaps in experience. Sometimes we have clashing perspectives because of generational differences or the type of media that gives us our news. Sometimes, it’s less controversial, such as when elderly relatives prefer not to use the technologies we like, like texting to keep in touch.

There are a few ways listening and engagement can be hard:

• Elderly individuals often deal with chronic illness and may talk about their symptoms a lot. Sometimes this is simply an expression of frustration and wanting to be heard and validated, not an invitation for advice or help, which can be difficult for the listener.
• Our parents or grandparents may have different perspectives on past events that happened in our family. Something that was deeply hurtful to us may not be fully acknowledged as such by them, and that can be difficult to deal with.
• Cognitive decline and memory loss can make it hard to talk to elderly family members. It is also heartbreaking for children and grandchildren to see their loved one go through this.
• Some elderly individuals live very isolated days, with only the TV or radio for company. What they watch and listen to can affect their outlook, and consequently, your conversations.

If we pause to consider contributing factors, we may remember that our elderly family members have lost physical health and abilities, a lot of their independence, and cherished friends or even a spouse. They are newly trying to figure out their identity, purpose, and place in a world that often forgets them. Adult children can keep these factors in mind as they try to stay connected to aging parents. Self-care and counseling may be helpful for making peace with old hurts and setting healthy boundaries.

Connecting with elderly parents is not always easy, but it is important to remember the value of their love, support, and wisdom. If we can make the time, find common ground, and lean on compassion, these relationships can be positive and fulfilling.

If your loved one has advanced care needs beyond what family can provide, our VetAssist mission is to make home care easily and quickly accessible for those who qualify through the VA Pension with Aid and Attendance benefit. Veterans Home Care can help you determine whether you or your loved one will be eligible to receive the benefit, which can cover some or all of the cost of home care, and we make it easy to apply. Chat with us via our website, or call us at (888) 314-6075.